03 September 2011

The need to write

In a journalistic manner - I just need to let the words take over for a while. Its in there somewhere; my need to write. I just bottle it up, hide it away, unsure of what to do with it. As the walls close in on me at home, perhaps the words can help me escape.

The walls are most certainly closing in. Looking back, I haven't written in here since last time I was overwhelmed by the addition of a new family member. With four little angels now under our roof, our very small roof, life is rather full. Its not my hands that are full - as everyone keeps telling me - it is my life. The hours are full, the spaces are full, the emotions are full, and everything in between.

Moving back to our little "cottage" in Melbourne didn't help. Our house is definitely a "home", complete with special memories, quirks and spaces that are quaint and "earthy". An odd word to describe an house yes. We don't have a dirt floor! Its just that this house feels so real. There is nothing pretentious or extravagant. There is no room to put away the regular, practical parts of life, out of the eyeline. Its all there in your face. Somehow, that's what makes it feel so perfect. I wouldn't hide all that in a bigger home. Simply spread it out some more.

The walls are closing in because the kids are bouncing off them. Thankfully those walls are in need of a paint, and the floors are in need of repair. When the kids bounce, the marks cannot be identified amongst the marks of previous bounces, from their lives and from those that bounced before. I am grateful for this, because when there is nowhere else to bounce, the walls provide some freedom. It would be impossible to live in this space with so many people if it were pristine. I don't hide from the words "don't" or "no", but I can't face a day that is saturated with them.

The noises are closing in on me too. The chaos of four kids can be its beauty, but the constant noise level is exhausting. It doesn't help that we all have loud voices. Mix that with "normal" baby screaming and "normal" toddler dramatic reactions to life and "normal" four year old passion for his own voice and "normal" prep boys' need to unwind and express pent up emotion at the end of the school day. Yes. The decibels add up very quickly.

How did we come to put ourselves in such a cramped and intense space? Would we do things differently with the bonus of hindsight?

Along with noise and exhaustion comes warmth and cosiness. Its hard work. But its rewarding. And the spaces intensify that too.

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